2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing

2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing

Robert Orben

Language: English

Pages: 226

ISBN: 0385144121

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


2500 jokes!... From the master of the one-liner, a fresh, new collection of sure-fire laugh-getters that will brighten your speeches and provide hours of fun-filled reading. A must for toastmasters, salespeopel, lectureres, and all performers.

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introduction—even if it will add three more minutes to your next confession. Sex, tax cut, sure-fire diet, double martini, $50,000 in commissions.… Now that I’ve got your attention, I’d like to talk to you about [YOUR SUBJECT]. If you have no objections, I’m going to read this speech. Unlike my competitors, I like to know where I’m going. Thank you for that wonderful round of applause. You don’t know how applause inspires me. I can take three bows on a waiter trying to get ketchup out of a

shame. Maybe we can get somebody to adopt him. I don’t want to say anything about this fella, but it just shows you that all the party jokes aren’t in Playboy. My opponent is consistent. He doesn’t make that many mistakes but he keeps Xeroxing the ones he does. He stands out like a bubble in a brewery. I don’t want to raise the question of trust, but I do happen to know that, as a kid, he collected from the tooth fairy ninety-three times! My opponent is the type of politician people want to

Tiddlywink Championship.” “Krupnick died after losing the World Tiddlywink Championship? When?” “He starts tomorrow.” I know one manufacturer who isn’t the least bit worried about competition from Russia and China. He makes voting machines. I happen to know that Russian airliners have wider seats than we do—only they’re on the stewardesses. These Russian fur hats are ridiculous. Three times last week I put the cat on my head and walked out. SALES MEETINGS Ladies and gentlemen, the

know who has a black belt for speaking. He couldn’t get a standing ovation if he closed with “The Star-Spangled Banner.” The credibility gap is when the moderator says it will be a very short commencement speech—and then Howard Cosell gets up to give it. Some speeches are like broiled lobster. You have to pick through an awful lot to find any meat. SPEAKERS’ “AD LIBS” I have a very sobering statement to make. The bar closes in fifteen minutes. I wouldn’t mind being the first speaker

women to stand on their own two feet?” She said, “Yes, it is.” I said, “Right on!” Psychological warfare is a husband saying, “You want equal rights? Okay—you kill the mouse!” Thanks to women’s liberation, women are now the absolute equals of men. Men have always believed in free love. Now women believe in free love. Men have always raised hell on Saturday night. Now women raise hell on Saturday night. Men have always picked up the check. Now women raise hell on Saturday night. There’s a lot

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