Power Moves: Livin’ the American Dream, USA Style

Power Moves: Livin’ the American Dream, USA Style

Karl Welzein

Language: English

Pages: 256

ISBN: 0062233238

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub

Meet Karl Welzein, aka Captain Karl, aka @DadBoner on Twitter—the Midwest's most beautiful loser

Karl Welzein is really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

His job is a drag and his wife kicked him out, but that's okay. She wears granny panties and is constantly dropping wads of cash at Target, and his son cries all the time. Now his "temporary" roommate, Dave, ate all the Totino's pizza rolls. Again. Karl Welzein is sick of this. So sick of this.

Power Moves chronicles the hilarious decline of Karl Welzein on his journey from life as a Dockers-and-golfshirt-wearing dad to a ponytailed party maniac who spits out his life philosophies like a modern-day Charles Bukowski (if he preferred to get drunk at Applebee's).

A middle-aged Michigan native, Karl may be overweight, prone to questionable fashion and culinary choices, oblivious to his drinking problem, a poor excuse for an employee, obsessed with the restroom, and a terrible husband, father, and friend . . . but in his heart he means well. He's just like a lot of us—he loves the USA, Guy Fieri, bold flavors, Bob Seger, and thinking he looks jacked in a tight tee and Maui Jim sunglasses. Karl is an everyman and like no other man on the planet all at once.

Inspired by the Twitter feed @DadBoner, Karl finally tells his full story. He shares his wisdom on fitness (1. Look at a pic of Stone Cold Steve Austin. 2. Do 'shups 'til you look like Stone Cold. 3. Cut off your sleeves), diet (Eat only the filling of the Taco Bell Beefy Melts for maximum flavor and low-carb health), fashion (Wearin' boots with jean shorts says "I like to keep cool, but I'm ready if the action gets hot"), work life (If you don't have a job that makes you want to kill yourself, you don't deserve to drink until you want to die), and the bliss of the perfect weekend (beers, brats, and babes' chest beefers).

But above all, this is a story about America—the real red, white, and blue America of today. Welcome to Karl's world. Reading this book is the ultimate Power Move.

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guess is an upgrade from “The Clogger,” “Shamu,” or “Fatso the Snowman.” I kinda like it. TUESDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2010 Startin’ to get super pumped for Christmas. Really need to get shopping. Ol’ Santa Karl likes to do it up big and generous. I forgot about one of my daughter’s ballet recitals tonight. Again. Ann is really steamed. Ann called nine times leavin’ messages about my kid cryin’ and how I was a bad father. Never picked up. Gave Ann a taste of what it’s like when someone doesn’t pick

have ’em. Jeez. I gotta go lay down. 11:28 P.M. Just woke up. Really crashed out there. I’m wide-awake now. Don’t know how I’m gonna get back to sleep. Gonna drink a few cold ones and do some push-ups. Gotta burn off some energy. Really shouldn’t have taken that nine-hour nap. 1:30 A.M. Gonna watch some Becker. Should do the trick. 3:05 A.M. Just can’t sleep! Still awake. Gonna smoke some of Dave’s grass stash. It’s supposed to be for special occasions, but I gotta be sharp for V-Day with

code. SUNDAY, MAY 1, 2011 Yesterday took a bad turn when Dave tried to do a karate spin kick and fell on my bum ankle. He broke a lamp though, which was pretty cool. Also, I bet him $5 he couldn’t do two spin kicks in a row, so I scored a fiver. My ankle kills since Dave fell on it. My bro Al gave me some Vicodin. Popped a couple with a few brewskis to wash ’em down. I’m all fuzzy. I feel fuzzy. Like a fuzzy, fuzzy Muppet. Why do I wear shirts all the time? Don’t need this shirt. Feels good

rockin’ pony. And Olive Garden. Olive Garden really stays true to its rich Italian heritage of bold flavors, strong drinks, and healthy chest beefers on the waitresses. A lot of people are turned off by Italians ’cause they’re always loudmouth idiots or murderers on TV. But at the Olive Garden, you’re family. Holy crap, Ann is in for Olive Garden! Gonna sneak outta work early. Gotta shower, do some push-ups, put on smellin’ goods, and work on my ponytail. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2011 Olive

Said it’s called a “Forever Lazy.” Think I’m gonna go for a walk now. SUNDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2011 Big showdown with Nosey tomorrow. Before you go to war, you live life to the fullest. Really turn up the volume. I’m drinkin’ a Dewar’s-and-Diet out of a goddamn Burger King cup. That’s how a MOTOR CITY BAD BOY starts his Sunday. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys. Might get rocked like never before. To the Scorpions’ “Hurricane” standards. Crankin’ up some Seger. Feelin’ SO

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