Steve Allen's Private Joke File

Steve Allen's Private Joke File

Steve Allen

Language: English

Pages: 432

ISBN: 0609806726

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub

Why Did Steve Allen Cross the Road?

Steve Allen is a legend among comedians and entertainers. He's been playing to audiences on stage, radio, film, and television for more than fifty years, gaining acclaim for his unique wit and energy. Now for the first time, he shares more than a thousand of his favorite one-liners, anecdotes, limericks, quotes, and other generally funny things. The entries are divided into nearly two hundred categories to make it easy for anyone to find the right laugh for any occasion. If you're faced with the prospect of having to "say a few words," Steve Allen's Private Joke File is the perfect place to look for ideas and inspiration on such topics as awards, drinking, baseball, lawyers, dentists, insurance, marriage, the stock market, and dozens of other subjects. A sampling:

* My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine!
* If ignorance is bliss, he should die of joy.
* "How are the acoustics here?"
"Great, I can hardly hear you!"
* I learned to rumba very early in life ... I had a tricycle with a loose seat.
* Room for rent, by young lady, freshly plastered.

Steve Allen has also included a number of his favorite essays and monologues. Steve Allen's Private Joke File is great to flip through for fun or for function, and for those of us looking for a good laugh -- to give one or to have one -- it's indispensable.

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found in an ancient volume called Tavern Anecdotes and Sayings. concerning a man who had repeatedly promised his friends that he would stop drinking. One day a friend who called was entertained briefly by a manservant. "Tell me," said the visitor, "has your master left off drinking yetT' "Oh, indeed," said the servanL "He has left off two or three times today alone.•· f~j"I won't offer you a cocktail, Mr. Thompson;• said the lady of the house, " since you are the head of the Temperance League."

the things my father knows. n @i "My uncle is in the hospital again." "What's the matter with him?" " He was sleeping in an upper berth and somebody played 'The Star Spangled Banner."' \~i Boy, is he dumb. He followed a sprinkling wagon for a mile to tell the man it was leaking. @'~ A: We have scads of children. B: How many are there in a scad? cy·~ EDOCA'fiO.N Students enrolled in a Russian language course at Eckerd College approached their first class with some apprehension about its

children cry at nightThen, they sprinkled it with road dust Just to add to all the gloom When you hit the crowded beaches where There's only standing roomAnd to try it on the public And find out how hair turns gray: Sure they picked the hottest time of year And called it LABOR DAY! -Helen G . Sutin -cy·. 11~ Chickens At last we know why a chicken crosses the road: To lay an egg For the government to buy To keep the price Of eggs too high -cy·. see where the last sweat shop in the United

Explaining China Crown Publishers 1980 Funny People Stein & Day 1981 The Talk Show Murders Delacorte Press 1982 Beloved Son: A Story of the Jesus Cults Bobbs-Merrill 1982 More Funny People Stein & Day 1982 How to Make a Speech McGraw-Hill Book Co. 1986 How to Be Funny McGraw-Hill Book Co. 1987 Murder on the Glitter Box Zebra Books 1989 Passionate Nonsmokers' Bill of Rights (coauthor, Bill Adler Jr.) William Morrow Company 1989 Dumbth: And 81 Ways to Make Americans

jump ofT a 50-foot cliff, he doesn't have to be!" ffg·The old Atchison, Topeka and Santa Fe steamer came to a grinding halt. "What's wrong, conductor?" an elderly woman cried. ''Nothing much," the conductor replied, "we hit a cow." "Oh,'' said the relieved passenger, "was it on the tracks?" "No," the conductor said, dryly. "We chased her into the barn." @'· A veterinary surgeon was instructing a fanner as to a suitable method for administering medicine to a horse. "Simply place this powder in a

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