The Funny Thing Is...

The Funny Thing Is...

Language: English

Pages: 192

ISBN: 0743247639

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub

An indispensable reference for anyone who knows how to read—or wants to fool people into thinking they do—The Funny Thing Is... is sure to make you laugh.

Ellen DeGeneres published her first book of comic essays, the #1 bestselling My Point...And I Do Have One, way back in 1996. Not one to rest on her laurels, the witty star of stage and screen has since dedicated her life to writing a hilarious new book. That book is this book.

After years of painstaking, round-the-clock research, surviving on a mere twenty minutes of sleep a night, and collaborating with lexicographers, plumbers, and mathematicians, DeGeneres has crafted a work that is both easy to use and very funny. Along with her trademark ramblings, The Funny Thing Is... contains hundreds of succinct insights into her psyche and offers innovative features including:

-More than 50,000 simple, short words arranged in sentences that form paragraphs.
-Thousands of observations on everyday life -- from terrible fashion trends to how to handle seating arrangements for a Sunday brunch with Paula Abdul, Diane Sawyer, and Eminem.
-All twenty-six letters of the alphabet.

How to Talk Dirty and Influence People

Hope Abandoned

Shouting Won't Help: Why I--and 50 Million Other Americans--Can't Hear You

The Subaltern: The 85th Regiment of Foot in the Peninsula 1813-1814

Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century












ten-year-old neighbor, Abigail Van Splinter. Within minutes she knocked on the door, and I invited her in. “Hi Abigail, I’m your big sister.” No you re not. “Yes, I am. Hey Abigail, do you want a ‘Hertz Donut’?” “Okay.” I gave her a playful y hard punch on the arm. “Hurts, don’t it?” “You re mean.” “I know you are, but what am I?” “You’re picking on me just like my real big sister. I don’t need this. I’m going home!” Man, that one was easy! Four down, only one to go. Number five was a

I just don’t have the seating to accommodate nine people. I have a table for six and if one extra shows up, we squeeze in. But now three people would have to eat at the coffee table in the next room, which was awkward, like eating at the kids’ table at Christmas or Thanksgiving. Who would it be? Gloria said she would sit in the other room but not with Eminem. (They don’t get along.) Ed offered to join Gloria, but no one else offered. I was just about to volunteer when Diane said she would eat at

If we didn’t have them, what would I complain about?” Who wants a world where there isn’t a reason to complain? There are people in this world who never complain. “Hey, you know Bob’s girlfriend, Cheryl? She never complains about anything. Isn’t that great?” What am I supposed to talk to her about? Eventual y, that’s how people bond. What a boring relationship if every conversation went, “You like humidity? Me, too.” “I love when mosquitoes bite me, it reminds me I’m alive!” “You know what

the way you dress, your sexuality, or the ass faces you like to make—you’re just going to go crazy and risk being as unhappy as these self-righteous kooks are. So enjoy your life. God gave us our bodies as a gift. (Granted, to some of us it’s kind of a gag gift, but that’s okay too.) Wear what you want, love who you want, and have fun. the last chapter There are so many different ways to end a book. There are some people out there who love the ending the best. In fact, they’l buy a book and

party, standing next to Kathy and experiencing one of those long uncomfortable silences that only true friends who have nothing to say to one another get to enjoy. Perhaps you make eye contact with the host of the party. A flash of recognition passes over his face, much like the flash that sprang up from his bed when you set it on fire. His face turns ashen (not ashen like the beloved first-edition books that you tried to put out the fire with, but gray and pale) and he runs off. Probably a funny

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