You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up: A Love Story

You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up: A Love Story

Annabelle Gurwitch, Jeff Kahn

Language: English

Pages: 272

ISBN: 0307463788

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


In this hilarious and ultimately moving memoir, comedians and real-life married couple Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn prove that in marriage, all you need is love—and a healthy dose of complaining, codependence, and pinot noir.
 
After thirteen years of being married, Annabelle and Jeff have found “We’re just not that into us.” Instead of giving up, they’ve held their relationship together by ignoring conventional wisdom and fostering a lack of intimacy, by using parenting as a competitive sport, and by dropping out of couples therapy. The he-said/she-said chronicle of their intense but loving marriage includes an unsentimental account of the medical odyssey that their family embarked upon after their infant son was diagnosed with VACTERL, a very rare series of birth defects. Annabelle and Jeff’s unforgivingly raw, uproariously funny story is sure to strike both laughter and terror in the hearts of all couples (not to mention every single man or woman who is contemplating the connubial state).
 
Serving up equal parts sincerity and cynicism, You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up is a laugh-out-loud must-read for everyone who has come to realize that being “in love” can only get you so far.
 
On Cohabitation
He says: “Within days of Annabelle’s arrival, I became very aware that she demanded solitude and had the housekeeping habits of a feral animal.”

She says:
“The guy had some sort of nudity radar. When I would take my clothes off for even a second, Jeff would be in front of me cheering as if he’d scored box seats at Fenway Park.”
 
On Sex
He says: “I want to have sex every day, but Annabelle only wants to do it once a week. So we compromise: we have sex once a week.”

She says:
“Jeff says talking about money before you have sex is a turnoff, but it’s only a turnoff if you’re talking about not having money. Talking about money before you have sex when you have money is actually a turn-on.”
 
On Pregnancy
He says: “For God’s sake, all I wanted to do was have sex without a condom for a little while; now we were moments from bringing a new life into the world!”

She says:
“My ass was expanding so fast it was like a Starbucks franchise. On every corner of my ass there was a new branch of ass opening up.”

From the Hardcover edition.

Going to Sea in a Sieve: The Autobiography

Inside Seka

Report from the Interior

Trabant Trek: Crossing the World in a Plastic Car

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

to move in together, I think I was scoring a textbook 10 on the Derang-O-Meter. Our engagement also proves the old adage that there’s someone for everyone. The caveat is that the “someone” isn’t necessarily someone who is perfect. It’s someone whose eccentricities complement your eccentricities and then, fingers crossed, over the years you don’t outcrazy each other, because as nutty as I was, Jeff still wanted to be with me. So who’s really the crazy one? Him or me? I think we all know who that

and lactose-intolerant married couple we would eventually become. He Says It was 1989 and I was a young writer living in New York, working at MTV in their unofficial “Indentured Servitude Writing Program,” so when I got a call from the Fox network to write a made-for-TV movie, I leaped at the chance to go to Los Angeles. The good people at Fox were kind enough to put me up at the Oakwood Apartment complex: furnished apartments decorated in late-1970s putrid—shag carpeting, avocado-painted

out. Plus the refrigerator door won’t properly seal; none of our eclectic furniture matches; my brand-new computer chirps like a cricket; our backyard tree grew into our neighbor’s yard, breaking the Spanish garage roof tiles and costing us more than a grand to fix; and we never get it together enough to send out Christmas/New Year’s cards until well into spring, if at all. Annabelle stuck our adorable, sweet-as-pie cat with the smelly name of Stinky and our superhandsome, seemingly normal

point of going to couples therapy was for me to convey my perspective to the therapist, who would naturally agree with my point of view, that once Jeff was reprimanded by an objective third party, he would have to follow my directives to the letter. I have heard that is a misinterpretation of the goal of therapy, although I suspect I am not at all alone in my reasoning. There is a saying often bandied about: would you rather be happy or would you rather be right? Right, of course! Being right is

Jeff dropped his pants right then and there in the restaurant and showed me that the Calvins he was wearing, like the ones he had donned on that date five years previously, were, in fact, long briefs. We started dating that very night. Jeff still mourns the fact that this mistaken-undergarment moment set us back years of being together, but I’m convinced that this one snafu is the only reason we’re together today. I consider this whole chapter of my life embarrassing and sad, while Jeff refers to

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